Cure for baldness

It all started with a ‘phone call from grandson Sammy…

Grampy, we’ve just caught the biggest spider ever from behind the settee. Mum and dad won’t go anywhere near it. If you want to join my spidor (sic) club you’ll have to come and hold it.

Does it have hairy legs?

Yes.

Will it fit on my head?

Yes.

Right, I’ll be round your house tomorrow morning and you can put it on my head.

So here I am yesterday morning, peering rather nervously into the spider’s temporary home…

And what a whopper he was…

Sammy helpfully pointed out the large fangs. I said they were just for show, but he assured me it had bitten his dad… the fact Barry was peering nervously at the proceedings from the safety of the bedroom window added weight to this simple statement. And the thought that, having been without food as well as being poked and prodded for two days, Gnasher wouldn’t be in the best of moods, added a certain frisson to the proceedings.

So I was ceremoniously prepared for the ordeal. I had to kneel down so Sammy could place the insect on my pate and to kneel in the sand pit so when the spider dropped to the floor he couldn’t escape up anyone’s trouser leg…

The first attempt was a failure as the spider hung tenaciously to the inside of the can… though from the screams from me and the observers you’d think the spider version of Godzilla had just landed on my skull. Glad I didn’t see this photo at the time, that space into the back of my T-shirt would look all too inviting to a spider on the run…

So back to the drawing board and a smaller pot to use for placing the spider. Here’s the moment when Gnasher finally realised his game was up…

And the most important photo of all, with Gnasher spread-eagled on my skull…

… the screams and general terror were such that daughter Becky was more concerned for her own safety than capturing the moment for posterity and snapped late and wayward, capturing a picture of a foot! But I have multiple witnesses currently undergoing post traumatic stress therapy who can all testify the spider did land on my bald patch.

I’ve still not given up on the kill or cure method jump starting my follicles into action. How long do you think I should give it?